Sad But True

I don’t get the point of horror movies. If I wanted to watch people die, I’d turn on the news.

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Philosophy Class??? No, thanks.

Sometimes school can be difficult to take seriously, especially when you are forced to take a philosophy class. Fortunately, my philosophy professor afforded me some room for freedom and creativity in our homework assignments. Having just looked over the titles of all the assignments I completed during the semester, I recall how little I could focus on philosophy as opposed to jokes.

Here are the titles of my homework assignments and papers (the content of the assignments were about as serious as their titles):

  • An Imaginary Conversation Between Myself and a Friend
  • Failed Attempts at Completing Homework 2
  • Life is Confusing… and so is Philosophy
  • I Know I Never Turned It In (since I was absent the day it was due and it was a very time-sensitive homework), but as a Heads Up, My Imaginary Friend, John, Quit in the Last Homework
  • Non-imaginary (Real) Conversations with My Friends (With our Online Profile Names)
  • I Would Say That God is Dead (But Someone Beat Me to It)
  • Jokes I’m Thinking of While Everyone Else is Talking During Class
  • Inertia: In Reference to the Effort Required to Get Cameron Talking about Philosophy
  • Either I Need to Start Believing in God or Stop Believing In Negative Numbers
  • Hi, Person, How Are You? Good, Person, How About Yourself?
  • Retroactive Fortune Cookie
  • In Response to that Person in our Class that Said He Would Hit Someone Who Made Fun of His Mommy (yes, I haven’t forgotten, and yes, it still bugs me). Let Go of Your Pride: A Manual on How to Avoid Physical Altercations (Basically responses to fighting words that either aim to diminish violent tendencies or avoid retaliation)

For our final project I had this as a header and title…

Name: If you can’t figure out whose this is, then I didn’t do a good job.

Professor’s Name: I’m pretty sure you know your own name by now.

Course: It’s the same course it has been all semester long.

Date: Does the date really matter?

Daily Ponderings: I Don’t Know What to do with Myself (other than write random things that could possibly be associated with philosophy)

And these were the four subtitles I used in the project…

-Part I: I Tried My Best (90 Percent Effort) to Write Something With Thought/Substance

-Part II: I Have No Idea Why I Included This (Everyone Gets Bad Ideas; Some People Follow Through with Them ß Maybe That’s Why)

-Part III: I Just Can’t Stay Serious for Very Long

-Part IV: Stuff That Didn’t Make it into the Final Project (Until Now)

Well, surprisingly enough, I did not fail the class. So, overall, it was not that bad.

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I HATE This Photo!! C’mon, Ask Me Why?

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This! Just…. This! The photo I have posted is of my mother and me posing for a picture on Christmas in 2012.

Why did I post this?

Well… Let me start by saying this picture is cropped. It was originally a photo that included our full bodies as well, but in the background, we noticed something. My brother was mooning the camera. His entire ass was in the picture! My brother knows no social etiquette. We were at our family gathering for Christmas, and in the middle of the party, he pulled down his pants to moon the camera during the mother and son photograph.

I found this to be a strange thing for a fully grown adult to do, but how did my family react?

My sister was the first to respond to the situation. She said, “It’s not a family party until DumDum pulls down his pants.” Everyone else (cousins, aunts, uncles, grandma even) just accepted this as a reasonable statement and continued on, as if nothing special had happened. I guess I should not be too surprised by their reaction, because this was far from the first time my brother had become pantsless during one of our family gatherings (I admit, I did accidently pull his pants down one of these times).

Anyways, I mostly wanted to post this photograph because it reminds of my life. Anyone could look at my family and believe there is nothing wrong; we appear to be normal, happy people… but they are only getting a small part of the picture. If they could see the rest (what was cropped out), they would understand we are an absolute mess of a family. We are barely functional, at best. So, while other cans look at this picture and think, “How lovely,” all that is going through my head is, “FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

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Today, I Am Special; Tomorrow, I Am Absolutely Screwed

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Today is my birthday. For the entirety of the day, I will shun the rest of the world. Am I a masochistic, antisocial creature bent on avoiding accomplishing anything including creating a smile on my face? Yes, but that is not why I have shunned the world today. It is because this time of the year is finals week. Not only am I scheduled for five closing shifts this week at work, but I have three finals tomorrow alone. My birthday has always come at the wrong time (probably because it does not change from year to year). It is a time for increased stress and busy days. Sometimes, it feels like my birthday has just become a day of distractions for my studying.

 

Though for this year, I have managed to convince everyone that my birthday is not for another week. Well… I did not literally convince them my birthday has changed (my mom just would not fall for it), but I have delayed its celebration date. An achievement that was not easy to come by. How have I taken advantage of this accomplishment? By maintaining the same level of productivity through more avoiding studying. Sounds stupid, and it probably is. I now have extra time for studying that I did not previously expect, and thus, am using it to procrastinate. Surely, an anticipated human reaction. But sometimes, it just feels good to be a normal human being.

 

 

 

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Some of My Best Disses (For You Mr. Man)

1) Spaghetti won’t even let you eat it.

2) God accidentally let you be born. (He would have stopped it if he had been paying any attention)

3) Subway employees call you “Mr. Shithead.”

4) I call you, “the worst problem the world has ever faced.” (and you don’t even want to know what your mother calls you when you aren’t around)

5) My gay roommate says he wouldn’t have sex with you, even if you were the last male on the planet.

6) Cats talk to me… just to tell me how much you suck. (sidenote: cats are assholes)

The reason I know I am a horrible person… is because all of these are from one conversation. I do not even want to begin looking further into the past to remind myself of all the disses I have so rudely blurted out.

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I is Stupid… and Really Bored!

Again… those typed messages that you can go back and revisit. They always highlight that I might not be as sane as I had hoped. Let me set the context for this post. I wanted to message my friend whose Steam account said that he was online. Unfortunately, this did not mean he was in front of his computer. I discovered this quite early on in the conversation but continued it anyways. Basically, this is a conversation I had with myself in the Steam chat box. My name is Closure.

Closure: hey

Closure: i said hello, god damn it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Closure: well, “hey,” to be exact

Closure: but you get the point

Closure: please do respond at some point in time

Closure: i hate doing research on my own, and i think i can bypass that with a little help from you

Closure: by research, i mean google searches

(after a considerable wait)

Closure: it’s like you don’t even care about me anymore… ):

Closure: i would’ve made a crying face but I’m not exactly sure how to do that

Closure: so i had to settle for the frowney-face

Closure: i think it still manages to express my emotions at this time fairly well.

Closure: i don’t know though

Closure: it kind of depends on how you interpret mr. frowner-face

Closure: mr. frowney-face*

Closure: my bad

Closure: well…

Closure: i gave up on you

Closure: and did my own research

Closure: took a whole two to three minutes of my time.

Closure: you should spend at least that much time reflecting on how you just hurt my feelings and wasted two to three minutes of my time.

Closure: in a very busy day

Closure: i mean… sure i had no classes today

Closure: so not busy in that sense

Closure: but…

Closure: other things take time too

Closure: i have to shower today

Closure: that takes time

Closure: and a little bit of effort

Closure: in case you didn’t know

Closure: you probably knew

Closure: but just in case

Closure: )…:

Closure: i thought that might be the crying face

Closure: but it’s not

Closure: just weird

Closure: not even sure it’s a face anymore

Closure: )*:

Closure: closer

Closure: )^:

Closure: i made a snowman’s face

Closure: see the carrot nose

Closure: but still not a crying face

Closure: )_:

Closure: nope

Closure: still not it

Closure: i bet you know how to do this

Closure: and you just aren’t telling

Closure: that’s rude

Closure: ),:

Closure: fuck this

Closure: this is difficult

Closure: i am not a problem solver

Closure: );

Closure: a frowney-winky face

Closure: got to find a use for that

Closure: one day

Closure: just tell me how to do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Closure: you think this is funny don’t you.

Closure: you probably do

Closure: how dare you enjoy my misery

Closure: which i cannot seem to express correctly

Closure: )`:

Closure: ehhhh?????

Closure: ~ you think mexican chicks like when you put “~” in your text?

Closure: sorry, i got a little distracted

Closure: I’m starting to think this is steam’s fault

Closure: maybe you can’t do it in the steam chat box

Closure: :`C

Closure: I’m going to have to get more creative

Closure: D`:

Closure: god damn! it is impossible

Closure: O`:

Closure: this isn’t helping at all

Closure: maybe i should google this shit

Closure: google says this T.T is an anime crying face

Closure: not sure if that’s true

Closure: but you can kind of see it

Closure: bulllfuckingshit

Closure: according to google

Closure: this is the real crying face: :'(

Closure: that’s a shitty crying face

Closure: it doesn’t look good at all

Closure: wasted all my god damn time finding out text crying faces are stupid as shit.

Closure: you knew that the whole though, didn’t you?

Closure: and you just let me go

Closure: let me waste my god damn time

Closure: add another couple minutes to your reflection time.

Closure: cause this hurts deep

Closure: looking at my text at a few lines back, i see that i for got to put the word “time” after “you knew the whole.” You see what i’m trying to say here? i was trying to say, you knew the whole god damn motherfucking time though, didn’t you?

Closure: but it just came out wrong

Closure: i now see that I also made “forgot” two words.

Closure: strange decision

Closure: I also realized a bit ago, that I have not been capitalizing the word I. And we all know I is very important, so I should always be capitalized.

Closure: You know what I is doing right now?

Closure: being capitalized, bitch!

Closure: That’s what I is doing.

Closure: And guess what I is doing later tonight?

Closure: still being capitalized!

Closure: excuse the foul language. I am still a little upset about the crying face thing.

Closure: although I cannot remember why I wanted a crying face.

Closure: are you really still not there?

Closure: or are you just seeing how long I will keep doing this for?

Closure: if it’s the latter, then that’s rude

Closure: and…

Closure: what could you possibly have to do on a friday night?

Closure: only murderers and drug dealers are out on friday nights.

Closure: well… that might not be entirely true.

Closure: but you get the point

Closure: only bad things happen on friday nights.

Closure: I missed my mom’s birthday.

Closure: I is stupid

Closure: I had no clue

Closure: didn’t even know what month we are in

Closure: she called me and said something about her birthday

Closure: and I had to ask her what the date is today

Closure: Apparently, it’s the day after her birthday.

Closure: but I kind of made up for it, because when she asked me if I knew how old she is

Closure: my guess was only a year off

Sanity: How long have you been messaging me…?

Closure: oh

Closure: hey

Closure: ummm

Closure: i don’t know

Sanity: I was just scrolling back and holy shit

Closure: don’t see how that is important

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Another Year, Another Christmas, Same Family

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I figured that since I talk about my family so much, I should post a picture of them. This picture contains my mom, step dad, step sister, brother, and sister (my parents are split, so you will not find my father, whom I have previously posted about, in this photo). I will not be posting anything about my step dad and step sister, since I do not see them often and they are actually sane people, but I still thought this was the most appropriate photo and explains my family better than any other. It is the only one I have of us where none of us was trying to pose for a camera. It was snapped between us posing for Christmas photos. My sister’s boyfriend was behind the camera and decided to snap a picture while none of us was paying any attention. This is what was happening at the time.

 My mom was looking down because she had some strange idea about how bringing her head up right as the next picture was taken would make it better. To be honest, I think she was trying to just make us all look dumb as a joke; however, only my sister blindly followed her direction, as my sister is the other women with her head down. My brother is the man in the front right of the photograph. He, for some inexplicable reason, was motorboating the air at the time. My step sister is the girl standing up that is looking at my brother with a face that I think shows quite well what she was thinking at the time — if any other human being was motorboating the air like that, I would be confused, but considering who it is, it just makes complete sense. My step dad is the man on the left of the photograph that looks like he cannot wait for this to be over. He had been standing there for ten minutes too long already. And that leaves me. I am the one with my face in my hands. The one who cannot understand how he is a part of this family. The one who cannot believe another year has gone by, yet none of his family members has matured one bit. Now, this was last year’s picture, so who knows, maybe this year will be different. To be honest though, I doubt it.

I am interested to hear what everyone else thinks of this photo. Feel free to comment and let me know. Also, if you have not seen anything I have written about my family yet, and are curious after seeing this photo, then I suggest you go to my blog and click on the “My Family” link.

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Do I Always Sound Like This?

I hate sending mail, emails, or texts to people. The reason for this is simple — I am able to reread these messages. Often, when I read over my messages, I notice that, not only do I write poorly, but I cannot keep to a serious conversation. My mind is all over the place and half of the things I say do not make any sense at all. I cannot even imagine the impressions my messages give to people. They probably think I am a child that is fascinated by everything in the world and cannot understand how to properly communicate (If anyone else feels this way, I would be interested to know that I am not the only one, so do leave a comment and let me know). Anyways, I thought I would share with everyone some mail I just sent out to a friend that I have not seen in a while. Here it is.

Let me start by saying, I’m sorry I have taken so long to reply to you. Like I said in my email, I have been rather busy. Getting A’s in five classes at community college (which I need to get into a big kid college), although probably even easier than getting A’s in high school, is certainly time consuming. And having a part time job and helping my dad with his accounting has kept me preoccupied. You know that saying that’s used to describe someone running around all the time like they can’t keep up with everything going on around them: “you look like a chicken with its head cut off.” Well, I think I might be a chicken; and although my head does seem to be attached, that does not mean it is completely functional. I think I might have brain issues. Like, my brain does not function as a normal human being’s would. I do not yet know if there is something wrong with the wiring, or if my family has just warped my brain into not understanding reality. But my brain is most definitely dysfunctional. On the bright side, even though my busy schedule has highlighted that I have brain issues, I do enjoy being constantly busy; it is much better than having time to think (about my brain issues).

Brain issues aside, I thought you would be interested to hear how work has been going. Working at Old Navy has been at times fun, or other times boring. It is never difficult or painful, which is about all I could ask for. Basically, I fold clothes more than anything. Actually, it isn’t too far from working at Babies’ R’ Us (where I know you wish I had gotten a job). Old navy’s target audience is 30 year old moms and their young children. About 90 percent of customers are moms with their little toddlers and children, or at least buying for their children. And my manager keeps sticking me in the babies and kids section.  Customers keep asking me questions pertaining to toddlers, like, “what item do you think my five year old daughter would like and fit into?” I am ill equipped to handle these questions, though I try my best to not look like a fool (which is hard considering my face is rather similar to my brother’s). And I cannot explain to you how many sparkles are on young girl’s clothes.  I am afraid I’m going to turn into a fairy princess (I’m not exactly sure how the process works, but I am sure it starts with a lot of sparkles).

Oh, and working there involves a LOT of socializing — even during my breaks, as I must talk to my coworkers. I thought the breaks would be my time to do as I please, but in order to not seem strange (so that I can keep the job beyond the holiday season), I must act like a normal, socialable human being (btw, Microsoft Word says “socialable” is not a word, how lame). Actually, I have apparently been doing well at acting like a normal person. My manager seems to really like me. She saw me undress three mannequins in one day and was quite impressed with my willingness to help customers. To be honest, it mostly just felt awkward. For one of the mannequins whose pants I had just taken off, I needed to have a coworker help me put the clothes back on. Unfortunately, I had to wait for my coworker to help another customer, and I was stuck holding onto a pantless, little boy’s mannequin for much longer than I had intended. Then my coworker and I put on the wrong sized pants and were unable to button and zip them up. We ended up just covering it up with the shirt. Well, I am sure there are more work stories to tell, but for now, this is it. I’ll tell you about school next week. Until then, lates, yo.

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My Mom (Reason 1)

I can never tell if my mom is serious or joking. She tells jokes more often than any other person I know, but I cannot distinguish it from her being serious — for all I know, she might be telling jokes one hundred percent of the time. Thus, I just assume everything is a joke. Here is an example of a conversation I had with her. (For the sake of not using real names, I will replace my brother’s name with DumDum. In actuality, his name is Justin. On second thought, I do not care about hiding his name, but I will still call him DumDum. Having been around him for my entire life, it seems appropriate.)

Mom: (to me (Cameron)) Hey, DumDum.

Cameron: Mom, I’m Cameron. DumDum is the older, shorter, dumber version of me, AKA my monkey brother.

Mom: Oh, shit, my bad. It gets confusing. I guess I just had too many kids.

(Cameron and his mom stare at each other as they both realize he is the third and final child)

Mom: Oh… Uh… Three too many!

Maybe she thought having me believe she hated all three of her children equally was better than allowing me to realize I am her least favorite. Or maybe it was all a joke. I still have no clue.

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Talking to My Gay Roommate

Once my roommate and I had our conversation about his sexuality, we were then able to communicate about the matter like two adult human beings. My roommate had been so nervous about someone finding out that he was gay, that he became very emotional while talking to me about it. I told him I did not have a problem with him being gay, and I was not going to criticize him for it. Still, he told me that he was about to cry. It was completely alien to me to hear a grown man say he is about to cry. I tried to act as my natural, socially awkward self and responded by saying, “Well, I don’t see how that’s going to help… but if you want to, go ahead. I won’t stop you.” As dumb as what I said was, he realized that it was my typical stupidity speaking, and I was not trying to sugarcoat things by pretending I was used to being around gay men that cry randomly. He then stated that he did not want me to change the way I talk or hide the things I say around him. Just like how I talked about how I thought the crying was strange, he wanted me to be able to speak openly around him, without having to worry about how he would react. And I certainly did.

For a while, he seemed a little hesitant about speaking openly himself, but I refused to allow it. I thought his nervousness about being gay and trying to hide it from everyone was rather annoying. I preferred for him to just be honest about it. One day, when he came home from class, he told me he had bumped into a really attractive person. Then he said, “I was so nervous because this girl was sooo pretty.” I laughed, then said, “You mean, ‘dude’… cause you’re gay. C’mon, man. It is way too late to still be trying to hide it.” As rude as my response may have sounded, and as I had hoped, he was not offended. He was so used to pretending that he was not interested in men, that it had become habitual for him to talk about men while saying, “women.” He was just glad that I was being so straightforward rather than trying to ignore it because it allowed him to finally speak honestly. Over time, the awkwardness left and everything worked out well for the both of us. Well… almost.

There were a couple times when he came into the dorm room looking distressed and emotionally a wreck. The first thing he would say is, “Cameron, I just need to talk to you about feelings and emotions.” Now, I’m sure this is the same for every straight male, but the last thing I want to talk about, especially when talking to another adult male, is feelings and emotions. The only thing I could come up with was, “Are you sure you wouldn’t rather talk about something else, like… I don’t know, gay butt sex. I’d rather talk about gay butt sex than feelings and emotions.” Unfortunately, I did not have the guts to say that to him. Instead I would just stand there blankly until he would say, “You don’t have to respond or anything, I just need to vent.” And he would. I would continue to just stand there… staring at the wall… wondering how this could be happening to me. I would start to think, “He is like a women, except slightly more reasonable in that he at least realizes I shouldn’t have to respond.” But it would eventually end. It was the only time I really did not care to be around him, but since it only happened two or three times, I managed to survive and still enjoy my life. Overall, we made decent roommates.

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